There’s a good possibility this maybe a deep share we’ll see how it unfolds because I never know what wants to be written but I have showed up with a clear intention of what I want to share. And what I want to share maybe something that may support anyone else out there that is having trouble moving through and accepting their own creativity and understanding the depth of the core issues which surface in our creative journey.
Creatives I believe are the true Mystics. Anyone walking a creative life knows the depth of feelings we feel towards our work and what is revealed about our own self belief, worth and love in many passages and moments we experience. It’s by far an easy path as we are living so closely to Source, the one true creative energy which resides in every living being the essence of our true self to create and birth new works of art, writing, music, photography..whatever medium you are working with to somehow better the world we are living in bringing beauty and a new way of seeing the world.
It’s not easy to stand there with something new and completely different and go ‘hey I dig and believe in this, it’s a part of me do you love it as much as I do?’
Now here, this difference which is so incredibly beautiful and needs to be seen by the world is where I personally got caught and still working through. Through weeks of writing, feeling, sobbing on the kitchen floor (yep seriously – Im not sure why the kitchen floor :)) sleepless nights and trying to unmuddle what the hell is happening and why the intense reaction to wanting to sell my paintings (yep I’m still there) I realised the core issue is- if my paintings don’t sell I feel what I truly want to do for work I can’t do therefore my working life would probably go back to working with people solely.
That realisation hit home for me and yes I cried some more. What it triggered is a very old pattern of constantly being there and caring for others where I placed myself second and growing up I had to, to survive and the pattern continued in my adult life. The feelings are so deep the level of pain Im still feeling it if I allowed myself to sink into it I would probably sink into a depression so I’m feeling and peeling everything back slowly.
Through this realisation also I know in my heart and soul Im here to paint. My pain around not doing what I want to do clarifies that painting is one of my callings and regardless I just need to keep going. The challenge and the trying thing is and I know any artist and writer will understand this is the tiring journey of holding up that self belief…because this is deeply personal and close to Source, our Source within, the reason why we feel it all.
Though regardless the path needs to be walked because it’s a soul calling and there’s something deep within that pushes you to keep going.
So there you go 🙂 that’s part one there will be more to share. I try to not write really long posts because I don’t want to lose the attention of my readers but I needed to share this so I can share more in the near future and I hope it has supported anyone else out there that maybe going through a similar thing.
I’ll keep you updated as there’s more changes unfolding I can feel it.