I’ve been wanting to write a post about the inner journey that has finally landed me here..finally! Fuck almighty what a ride! and so happy to finally come back to a place of creation. I have a new found respect and gratitude for my creative energy like never before and also learning to understand this energy much more than I ever have.
Being creative has always been very natural to me. It is something I have never understood up until now that I have taken advantage of this energy unintentionally and realised though I have a deep understanding of my creative force how important it is to actually understand this force like an intimate partner because it is. It’s powerful and extremely moving. It moves me to places unexplored and untouched not just creatively but also within my emotional body and when there are wounds that are needing presence and attention how much it can throw things off balance and the necessity of getting to the core and understanding of these wounds…
..which I always have done but only until recently I’ve come to understand why I spent many hours at a time on my kitchen floor as a blubbering mess wondering why I can’t sell my paintings. It sounds fucking strange I know but I know now with clarity which wound it was rubbing against. It was overwhelming to feel because it felt just so bloody big I was unable to grasp a thread of where to begin up until three weeks ago.
Shame. Toxic shame to be clear. Really old pain from my childhood which really has been my burden in this lifetime like nothing else. To be seen and vulnerable in my uniqueness has alway been a struggle for me and not to mention the small but harsh inner dialogue that is so easily triggered by what looks like nothing can open the gapping wound of my inner child.
I’m still working through it but even within the small space of time I have shifted and become aware of the subtle inner dialogue. I’ve been writing as much as I can trying to catch the negative inner voice and get to the core of what I’m actually doing and trying to say behind the pain of it all.
I’m grateful, so grateful for so much I have learnt about myself over the last three and a half months of not painting. I had a strange pull to write instead of painting which led me here. I felt there was an inner journey to be taken by learning to understand why I want to write and not paint. That may again sound strange to some but it made perfect sense to me and I was right.
It was an online writing course that supported me to explore deeper wounds from another view point which enabled this new awareness.
So not only have I arrived at a place which I will be continuing to explore but also something else that has been revealed which is also so very precious to me. My work with children.
Coming up to almost 8 years now I have known I was to work with children in a unique way which will change the lives of so many. I have looked at this energy, watered, fed it, nurtured it, thrown it to one side to pick it up again and look at it some more. I fear and respect it all at the same time I know this is definitely a calling. The energy is very high but I also knew something was missing and I had more work to do inside myself before I manifest it..
..and that something has been received. The way I am to deliver this blessing and it isn’t just about children but the inner child of everyone. I think I cried for a good solid hour after receiving this for many reasons. It wasn’t just relief but gratitude to my commitment to grow and love who I am but also I felt with my whole body I can do this. I’ve had many friends and clients compliment my work with children but when you carry toxic shame this realisation, this knowing is life changing.
I will share it once everything has settled and I feel comfortable to put it out in the world.
So 🙂 this is me up to date. What a blessing to live life to the fullest, to choose to walk a path with eyes and heart wide open. I will share more as time unfolds but right now I’m staying close to whats happening inside to give the attention, presence and love I deserve. Love each of you for sharing this journey with me you have no idea how much. Grateful.
Thank you xoxo