Rebuilding Confidence and Finding Purpose

2016, what a fucking year to say the least! As much as it was unexpected in pretty much every single way, I see now with so much clarity why it was. If you’re still complaining about how shit this year was, then prepare yourself for more work next year because clearly you haven’t received the best parts of why it was so damn chaotic.

And you know, realistically, each year will become more chaotic until humanity wakes the fuck up. That’s what we’re here for so I say to you now, embrace for a massive ride next year too. Yes, embrace it because fuck, we have no other choice.

This year has been huge for clearing out inner crap, pulling apart old belief systems that were based on painful hurts. It was also a year of learning to let go again in every way and trust that wherever it was taking me it was for a bigger reason and of course I did. It was painful, I’m not going to lie, but now as I sit here preparing and creating work for next year, wow, am I so grateful.

What I’m focusing on now as an artist, is rebuilding my confidence. I lost much of my confidence as I was thrown around internally this year and had to let go of my art practice in order for me to continue on with it next year. That was hard. Really hard. It touched on an old trauma from long ago that I’m still managing while I rebuild again.

So to rebuild, I have to sit with a bit of emotional pain to be my confidence again. Challenging to say the least, but that’s the beauty of doing something that is soulful that you can’t live without, you’ll go through the shittiest terrain to be in that joy again. Grateful for such deep work.

I also found that part of my lost confidence is the purpose with my art has changed. I did notice it but at the same time I didn’t give it the attention it needed. That focus is necessary to connect with my work and with my audience, without it for me, I find I’m just displaying my art and feel overly exposed. Like standing there naked for people to judge and there’s no purpose to why I’m standing there naked 😀

It also gives me a focus and a direction, without it, too much energy not channelled is chaos.

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A work in progress – chaos art.

And speaking of chaos, this is the direction my art is taking me, right in the middle of the Mystery.

My message is one of letting go and moving with something much bigger than our tiny selves. Allowing yourself to be swept up in change and trusting your knowing that it’s for a deeper reason, a greater purpose even when you cannot see. This trust in your knowing, is the what we all need to practice because as we can see, chaos is growing in our world and we have to trust and believe in our real selves, our intuition to get us through. That’s all we have because everything else can be taken away at anytime.

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Building layers.

So my plans for 2017 is some of what you’ve read, but I’m also open to that changing at anytime because that just seems the way these days. Make loose plans and trust whatever comes.

To all my Facebook. Blog and IG supporters, I can’t thank you enough for walking with me through the many changes I’ve experienced this year. Without you I wouldn’t be able to do what the fire inside me thinks of every day even when I’m not creating, so thank you xxx

To follow my Facebook page click here: Chaos Moon Arts 

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Rewilding

Rewilding – to restore to it’s natural uncultivated state. Let’s take that sentence right into ourselves and sit with that like forever and let it become who we naturally are.

Mercury retrograde has this thing where it likes to bend you over when you’re not looking and do things to you to wake you the fuck up in ways that are never comfortable, and hey I’m so used to being stripped back to fuck all I’ve grown to love it and wouldn’t have it any other way because the liberation that is experienced and what I become I honestly wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

The word rewilding was repeated in my dream last night over and over again. The word was said many times and was written and shoved in my face so I think I need to pay attention to it and I have been over the last few weeks but clearly it’s really trying to get my attention now. I’ve been really thinking about my art practice and what I put out into the world through my social media pages and really asking myself, am I being raw as fuck as I would like to be on my art pages and if not why not?

I don’t think I am, not intentionally. It’s a feeling you know, it’s a feeling that I’m exploring and a feeling I have not yet expressed through my art yet. All I can say there’s a fear and I’m just sitting with it, looking at it and letting it get comfortable with me and I with it before I pull it apart gently and see what’s beneath it.

I created this page for my mediumship readings on Facebook – Blunt as Fuck Tarot Readings and that’s changed everything for me. Finally I’ve allowed myself to be myself through my work after having so much expectation thrown on me to be a certain way which I am not and never fucking will be, its given me space to really look at things and to pull myself onto the dirt and see am I being this way in everything that I do publicly?

This is the reason why I haven’t posted too much on my pages as yet, I’m feeling my way into something that has to be all me. We all put on face for many different reasons, some purposely and others not but I cannot have anything less than what’s all of me so when I find what that is or feel into what the fuck is holding me back and why I’ll share it here or on my pages or all of them I don’t know but it will be shared.

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Space 

I’m exploring different styles at present but one that I adore is abstract art. 

What I love about abstract art is space. Space is what I’m exploring in my art at the moment and what that can offer to the viewer. 

Space offers people a place to feel. To get lost for a moment in their inner world. To connect. To listen to themselves. To experience the peace of who they are. 

There’s no distraction with abstraction. It silences the mind and allows the imagination to wonder and the heart to feel.  To drop into the peaceful chaos of the unknown within. To go deep even for a moment. 

So here is my latest piece, ‘Deep’ – acrylics on canvas.
If you would also like to support my Facebook writing page kick on the link below.

The Shadow & the Wild –> The Shadow & the Wild

Support through Growth 

Support is everything to grow and I’m  truly thankful to those that have supported me and my work.  

Thank you, just thank you. ❤️

So I’m going to ask your support again..

A new creation came out of nowhere today. I didn’t plan it, I didn’t even think about it but these days as I travel further on my path things get created spontaneously and I’ve learnt to go with it. I’m an artist after all 😊

The link below is what I would appreciate you to click on and if you feel to go one further to share it I would appreciate it even more. That link is the new link to my new writing page 😳 yep who knew that would ever happen but it has and it will nicely compliment my art page. It will keep me in flow with my writing which I so easily abandon when I paint. 

There’s a book in motion, there has been for a while but a page? I thought I would just come out and share it once it’s completed but I’m wondering now that maybe this is not only going to keep me balanced but to surrender to my creative process and more so my vulnerability.

My creativity pushes me to be vulnerable in places I don’t want to be. It’s helping me to heal places that’s in deep need of loving attention. 

So beautiful people I would greatly appreciate your support by clicking the link below and pressing Like.

Thank you a thousand times for your support xoxo 

The Shadow & the Wild Facebook page – 

The Shadow & the Wild

Loosening up, Free Flow Painting

Nothing like a bit of quick, free and loose acrylic painting. 

I love this style to just let loose and see what comes. And I think I’m in love with acrylic washes at the moment. 😍

I’m stopping at two this evening I have a bloody bad habit of just going with it till 3am then exhausted and no flow the next day. Anyway this is what came out of tonight. 😊


Loosening the Fuck Up – Expansion

As artists we can get caught with creating the same kind of style over and over again. I connect that with how we view life. And though many artists are open minded, I still see how we can get caught with how we think which is connected to how we feel. Art is an expression of our inner worlds after all. How can we expand the way we think if we are blocked emotionally? Because in hindsight we cannot truly expand the mind if there is no expansion of heart and any type of art whether you’re a writer, poet, photographer, musician whatever, cannot expand our comfort zone if we’re connected with only one type of style of work.

We can get comfortable with one style of work which comes naturally, and I do believe once we feel dissatisfied with this same expression over and over again that it’s time to expand. It’s scary, because we become good at something to then step out and feel vulnerable again. It’s human nature to fear the unknown but if we also explore the unknown with curiosity it lessens the fear and we then become curious explorers and even adventurers. Life has pushed me to live life on the edges, to constantly be curious, to not get too comfortable. Loss taught me that nothing is permanent, to always go with flow and don’t hang on too hard to anything or anyone, be open to change always.

I see that with art also. Expansion and growth is necessary to strengthen our practice. To revisit art appreciation every so often, it not only makes you think about your style of work but life.

To ponder these questions: are you constantly viewing life from your comfort zone? Do you push yourself to be uncomfortable for growth sake? To live life to the fullest.

Funny, you know most people will say ‘yes I do’ but on the outside looking in their life is in constant replay. Loosen the fuck up I say. Seriously, no wonder our world is fucking anal about everything and why it’s constantly wanting to destroy anything and anyone that cannot be shoved in the little shitty conformed boxes. It’s fear of expanding the heart. Don’t live a little, live a lot.

I’m leaving you this piece by Salvador Dali to ponder on. Feel beyond pain, let go. Expansion, expansion, expansion.. xxx

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The Anthropomorphic Cabinet, 1936 – Salvador Dali

Healing my Relationship to Self and Creative Energy

I’ve been wanting to write a post about the inner journey that has finally landed me here..finally! Fuck almighty what a ride! and so happy to finally come back to a place of creation. I have a new found respect and gratitude for my creative energy like never before and also learning to understand this energy much more than I ever have.

Being creative has always been very natural to me. It is something I have never understood up until now that I have taken advantage of this energy unintentionally and realised though I have a deep understanding of my creative force how important it is to actually understand this force like an intimate partner because it is. It’s powerful and extremely moving. It moves me to places unexplored and untouched not just creatively but also within my emotional body and when there are wounds that are needing presence and attention how much it can throw things off balance and the necessity of getting to the core and understanding of these wounds…

..which I always have done but only until recently I’ve come to understand why I spent many hours at a time on my kitchen floor as a blubbering mess wondering why I can’t sell my paintings. It sounds fucking strange I know but I know now with clarity which wound it was rubbing against. It was overwhelming to feel because it felt just so bloody big I was unable to grasp a thread of where to begin up until three weeks ago.

Shame. Toxic shame to be clear. Really old pain from my childhood which really has been my burden in this lifetime like nothing else. To be seen and vulnerable in my uniqueness has alway been a struggle for me and not to mention the small but harsh inner dialogue that is so easily triggered by what looks like nothing can open the gapping wound of my inner child.

I’m still working through it but even within the small space of time I have shifted and become aware of the subtle inner dialogue. I’ve been writing as much as I can trying to catch the negative inner voice and get to the core of what I’m actually doing and trying to say behind the pain of it all.

I’m grateful, so grateful for so much I have learnt about myself over the last three and a half months of not painting. I had a strange pull to write instead of painting which led me here. I felt there was an inner journey to be taken by learning to understand why I want to write and not paint. That may again sound strange to some but it made perfect sense to me and I was right.

It was an online writing course that supported me to explore deeper wounds from another view point which enabled this new awareness.

So not only have I arrived at a place which I will be continuing to explore but also something else that has been revealed which is also so very precious to me. My work with children.

Coming up to almost 8 years now I have known I was to work with children in a unique way which will change the lives of so many. I have looked at this energy, watered, fed it, nurtured it, thrown it to one side to pick it up again and look at it some more. I fear and respect it all at the same time I know this is definitely a calling. The energy is very high but I also knew something was missing and I had more work to do inside myself before I manifest it..

..and that something has been received. The way I am to deliver this blessing and it isn’t just about children but the inner child of everyone. I think I cried for a good solid hour after receiving this for many reasons. It wasn’t just relief but gratitude to my commitment to grow and love who I am but also I felt with my whole body I can do this. I’ve had many friends and clients compliment my work with children but when you carry toxic shame this realisation, this knowing is life changing.

I will share it once everything has settled and I feel comfortable to put it out in the world.

So 🙂 this is me up to date. What a blessing to live life to the fullest, to choose to walk a path with eyes and heart wide open. I will share more as time unfolds but right now I’m staying close to whats happening inside to give the attention, presence and love I deserve. Love each of you for sharing this journey with me you have no idea how much. Grateful.

Thank you xoxo

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