Writing Through Chaos

There’s a stillness in the air and an unease to go with it. I’m sure most of us can feel something’s coming and fuck knows what it is but it feels big. The release feels big. Something new, something needed and it feels we are just waiting patiently tending to whatever we need to which is drawing us right into ourselves into our much needed caves.

Though beneath the stillness it feels chaotic and there’s an anxiety building but a knowing to go with it. The knowing that we are being pushed to do our thing whatever that thing is. It feels like the fire of why we’re here is being pushed up to be finally manifested in the physical. Some of us know what that is. Some of us know only part of it and some of us can feel it but have no fucking clue as to what it is.

Either way it’s coming.

I can’t seem to paint which is what I usually do through spaces like this because I love to utilise the energy of what I’m feeling and usually what I paint I can see or feel what is possibly coming through my canvas. But that’s not working. Clay maybe a goer which I will try tomorrow but the only self soothing and productive thing to do right now is writing. Between work and the garden this is the only thing that speaks. I’ve found a flow that I haven’t felt with writing before.

I chose to fuck off any criticism I have had around writing and I have had a shit load but at the end of the day it is creativity and it is a form of communication two things that the world needs, two things I need. Whether my words get read or not, the only thing that matters is that I’m putting it into form and me the writer is accessing a flow within myself that matters greatly in a world gone fucking mad.

It’s giving me a sense of peace and a knowing, actually it’s growing both and how fucking interesting that my creative flow has taken this medium which for some reason feels important to where I’m going to which I have no idea but it feels good and I’m trusting what I do not know.

I’m slowly building new work and I’m sharing and exercising some of that energy (link below) while also writing the website and pages of a book that’s been in slow progression over the last year.

Writing, writing, writing – link —>  She of the Wild 

Thank fuck for creativity.

write

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Writing, Art & Hedge Witchery 

I am sure no one expected the beginning of this year to turn out like this 😳😂 seriously lots of unexpected change which has changed the course of where I’m heading to completely, but now that I’ve found a bit of earth to plant my feet on even if it’s just for a while (and I’m sure it will be just for a while) I’ve been able to view the direction of where my art is heading to now.

I think the biggest thing for me is that the feeling around my art has changed. The last two years I’ve been very self focused with my creativity and I still am but it’s shifting into different forms I hadn’t expected. I think this may have been the biggest thing for me is adapting to how I feel when I create now and when I think about creating. It’s different. The feeling is less intense, quieter not so loud, well when it comes to painting BUT when it comes to writing the push is huge. I now have to make sure I write at least 2-3 times a day and if I can’t I feel unsettled so you can say I’ve swapped the paint brush for the pen.

Admittedly, I’ve been sulking a lot about this switch 😂😩 it’s true I have and I’ve been procrastinating a lot because I’m sulking that I’m not painting as much as I was. Some might say go paint anyway but it doesn’t work like that for me at least, if I don’t feel it I don’t do it.

So the blog maybe a touch quieter..maybe..probably not but you can find me here too Hedge Witchery and you can view some of my writing here on my other Facebook page click here –> Hedge Witchery-Astara Lak’ech

I am and still will be creating it’s just another amazing time of more change and I trust my mad hatter fluctuations 😂 I always go with whatever I feel. Gotta trust the journey even when you can’t see. Trust your gut always and that’s what I’m doing.

BUT I have come back to my photography and I’ll be sharing more of that here soon. Xxx

Coming Undone..again

Is anyone else still finding their feet now January has passed? After Mercury retrograde and yet another clearing of bullshit are you in the same place as myself and find yourself asking over and over again, ‘where the fuck am I now?’ If not, lucky you but right now I wouldn’t say I’m floating around but more feeling into this new skin…again..constant change is beautiful, exciting, healing, tiring and annoying. Yes annoying 😒 Just when you’re excited on the path you’re on and feeling the ‘fuck yeahs’ everyday it changes on you 😳 again and again. Tiring as fuck, can I have a holiday from change please? 

I know it’ll be great when I cross to the other side and feel solid once again with where I’m heading  but this time I’m feeling impatient. I usually wear change well but this time I’m allowing my frustration to delay the journey because I’m super keen to arrive where ever the fuck I’m meant to be. Yes I know it doesn’t make sense I love standing in my own way (not) but we all do it don’t we? So while I complain I’m going to delay it a little longer with my tantrum let it build up so I’m anxious, get angry, feel hopeless and then finally surrender… yep  😩 

The thing is, most of the time we already know where we’re heading and I kinda do but I also like to take my time feeling each step. Can’t rush the process man it needs to be felt, all of it. Why? because that’s how it goes. Feelings need to be felt. Feelings don’t have plans or a time where they are done it’s constant. It really is like moving in a sea of water. Sometimes it’s calm and sometimes it’s wavey as fuck and however it is we’re going to feel it. Even if you’re disconnected from how you feel you’re still feeling it because we can’t disconnect from how we feel it catches up with you and comes out in different and most of the time chaotic and self destructive ways. 

So yes, I’m floating, occasionally swimming, screaming out ‘I’m fucken tired can this stop now please’ but I do have an idea of where I’m heading and allowing the current to take me exactly to where I’m meant to be. I will be calm and then complain about it along the way 😄 because I can then I’ll create a whole heap of art and write a shitload which will help me arrive to where I’m meant to be. 

Welcome to the life of a highly sensitive, creative fucking genius connected to the universal flow of fuck yes, oh shit not again, I’m tired, fuck I love life ride of a conscious creator and human being who chooses to be connected to this beautiful planet and her crazy artistic self. 

Going back to tiredness now, feeling excited with some self pity… see you on the other side.. Xxx

  
  

Compassion for All Life

Let’s be honest, regardless of how noble your occupation is if you can’t think past caring about people only then I don’t think you’re doing it right.

True compassion is for ALL life. All life. We all live on this planet. All of us. It’s all of our responsibility to look after it not just a select few.

If your heart isn’t open to every living being then you’re not loving to your full capacity so when you make judgement on someone or something I’m not going to take your opinion into consideration.

These are my thoughts while I was taking these photos whilst speaking to a beautiful friend who actually gives a fuck about this planet.  I’m with ya honey.

Love you, you know who you are xoxo

Online Bullying

I’ve been bullied online from what I thought was a friend of mine. Needless to say I am shocked, hurt and angry and I woke up this morning with a feeling I’m not taking this shit anymore. Usually I just leave it and move on because I know the truth but no more. What you see below is me explaining the truth from a blog post this person has written and shared around on social media. I have cut and paste what she wrote and under each lie I have explained the truth of what actually happened.  I have nothing to hide and nor am I going to feel ashamed because this person chooses to not deal with her inner shit.

This is me defending myself and saying NO to online bullying. My responses to what she wrote is in bold ink. I’ve placed an asterisk next to what she wrote.

  • I am angry – At someone I considered a friend who treated me appallingly when: I told her I was not coping and teetering on the edge and she didn’t reply.

I have always replied to everyone including strangers that are hurting and the people that know me and work with know this. I could never ignore anyone in pain unfortunately, though a good thing, it can also be a downfall also. I’m unsure of what she is talking about here in all honesty.

  • For ordering things from me twice and never paying, despite repeated requests. If she had said she couldn’t afford it I would NOT have cared, but no reply, nothing, zip, nada, just change the subject, for making me feel ashamed for even asking.

This person constantly asked me to share her business pages, for advice and constantly asking me to boost two of businesses for her. I gave her a book in exchange for two packets of incense, yes incense sticks is what she’s referring to and yes I did answer her messages I always do. I don’t ignore my friends.

  • For abusing me when I didn’t see her messages when I did something awesome one day and she shared it and I didn’t respond as she expected me to. For abusing me for being online but not seeing her. For deleting her shares and not allowing me to see the lovely feedback. I wasn’t online.

She was online for most of the day and I messaged her after again sharing her work for her. Our friendship was on the edge because of this and I did speak to her a week before this that we need to end our friendship and here’s my actual messages explaining to her what I said and why I responded when she was online all day. I was still feeling unsure and vulnerable about our connection. I pulled down the post because I was angry and hurt.

First messages explaining that I need to walk away from the friendship.The first was her asking me if she upset me. I was moving through a lot in my life at the time and wasn’t communicating to anyone. I pull in when I’m feeling a lot. The second one explains in more depth how I was feeling. Here’s the messages and you’ll see that I wasn’t abusive. The third message is what I wrote to her when she ignored my messages. 

1/ Nah you haven’t. We’re just chaining on different wavelengths and I’m needing real and deep connections. I do a lot. I’m a sole mum homeschooling and running a business and times when Nik isn’t well I need real friends and connections as I’m needing soulful support. I don’t have family or any extra energy to burn on anything else as it starts and ends with me.’

2/ ‘Look darlin really simply, I stepped back because like I explained before we’re just in different places and I’m stepping back not because I don’t care but because I do. If I’m not true to myself and keep a connection going when we’re in different places in our life I will end up telling you to get fucked and I don’t want to do that. I can’t keep conversing with someone I don’t have a connection with.

I’m a deep person and I need the people to match me in a similar place and I know you are constantly distracting yourself from needs to be dealt with inside you so you have a 100 things going constantly, striving to do more, to make more.. I’m just not like that. I want to get to know the person be present enough to get to know me I don’t give a fuck about anything else.

When we connect money is always involved whether that’s you making money, you wearing to share your page or you striving to make more. I just don’t care about money I care about the person and what actually matters in life. I almost want to slap you back down to earth. You have nothing to apologise for at all, nothing. And you’re loved.’

3/ ‘Love if you’re not going to answer my messages I’m not going to try with this. What I was trying to get across before is friendships require presence. Shows you were active 6 minutes ago. I messaged you the other day and you didn’t answer either please be considerate.’

  • For inviting me to stay in one of the most beautiful places in the world and not showing me one inch of it, for making me feel incredibly unwelcome and uncomfortable, for not allowing me to express my humanity without feeling judged. For not allowing me to speak my truth. For using me to do something and not honouring the exchange we agreed upon.

I did invite her and drove for 8 hours all up to pick her up. I was excited to hang out with her. I was also feeling low. I lost a baby a few years back and at times this pain is triggered. I explained to her how I was feeling and it was clear how I was feeling.

What I was upset about between was discussed no abuse, I was feeling a lot and I cooked her a meal that evening and she knew what I was cooking when I served it to her she told me she can’t eat it, she didn’t like it.

I was hurt and a little shocked from her rudeness. What seemed like something small is a lot when you’re feeling too much pain.

She was heard and she binned the meal when I was outside in tears. This small act pushed up more feelings of pain. I felt uncomfortable having her in my home there after it was clear she had an expectation of how she should be treated but the visit continued and I thought we enjoyed each other’s company.

The exchange we spoke of. We had only two days together and it was meant to be three as she found out she needed to see her son on the third day and we discussed that she will come back in March/April and I will teach her to paint. She also broke contract with a business she was intimately working for and shared intimate details about her closest friends which made me question the friendship altogether again. When I dropped her off I made the decision within myself I’ll keep her as an online friend and that’s it as I felt I couldn’t trust her.

Needless to say I didn’t expect this kind of behaviour after I opened my home to her.

  • When I reflect back I wonder why the hell I put up with all of this over the past year, I have no idea, but I did. The last time I saw her I knew I never would again as I realised that it just wasn’t meant to be. I quietly unfriended, unfollowed and let it go.

Actually when I reflect back I should have walked but thats ok shit happens. She did quietly unfriend me and I was totally ok with that but she didn’t let anything go but took a bullying stance instead of a mature one and actually dealing with her feelings.

I needed to do this for me and my daughter. My daughter read what she wrote and was really hurt and so angry not understanding where she’s coming from.

Please people it is essential to deal with your inner shit. This kind of dumping and running is not fucking ok.

Good people get hurt and more than one and it turns out to be really messy.

This stuff is not ok.

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Live, Be and Create the Truth

There are people who choose to actively work and heal their inner shit and then there are those who choose to manipulate, hide and lie to gain the attention they are seeking for the lack of validation they give to themselves and not wanting to take responsibility for their actions. They stay in their unhealthy patterns sabotaging and manipulating their way through life never taking responsibility for what they feel. Yeah onya 😄 its a road to declining health. 

These people actively seek different channels to dump, manipulate, lie and gain attention when they are really crying out for their pain to be acknowledged. Not from the people they are manipulating and deceiving but what they’re really needing is to drop into and feel their pain, take responsibility and take positive active steps to start healing. 

Ok so we’ve all been on the receiving end of this bullshit so how do we handle it? Like an adult, a healthy functional adult in a quiet space with good friends, a pen, a canvas and lots of nature. 

And with the truth. The truth destroys lies and let’s just say the truth is out there 😉😄

No but seriously taking that raw emotion to the canvas for me is one of the best healing ways to deal with anything painful, creating something beautiful from something that may feel dark and it’s these feelings we need to keep moving and not use people as dumping grounds for stuff that we really need to own ourselves, we’re adults not five year olds.

The best artists (and people 😊) don’t chuck tantrums they get real, tell the truth the real truth, own their shit and create something beautiful and keep life moving in a healthy way. 

Xxxx

  
  

The World Needs More Art

What I do for my work is an expression of my soul and as rewarding and beautiful as it is it comes with deep inner reflection, healing with a need to be self aware. I just want to quickly clarify that I believe we all should move towards self awareness on a daily basis whether our work calls for it or not.

I’m a natural born medium, I’m also a counsellor and art therapist my soul focus at present is art. I’ve always wanted to be completely focused on art since I was 5, yes 5 I wanted to immerse myself in my own creative world. Anyway, I still read for clients and love it but I haven’t been taking on any counselling clients though I still do work as an art therapist but not as much as I have in the past. I reached a point in my journey that I desperately needed to give back to myself after being in service for others since I was 16. I began reading for people when I was 16 and have been ever since. I’m currently studying business and life coaching which I absolutely love. 

Anyway! I’m not here to share my current job occupation but to share with you the difference in inner self reflective work that my occupation brings. If you work with people and genuine about helping others you MUST I believe work on yourself also. I can go into that more in depth but I won’t right now because my point to this post and sorry it’s taken a while to get there is the arts has always been looked down upon by society as not a ‘real’ occupation and I have to say I beg to differ well flat out disagree. 

Being a medium, art therapist and counsellor has taken me on a very deep inner healing journey very deep but I have to say nothing like absolutely nothing like I have experienced as being an artist. That’s not to discount the inner work any art therapist or counsellor experiences this is my own personal findings, for me I have to say being an artist confronts every part of you that has somehow been pushed down or not even discovered yet.

Anyone that personally knows me knows how deep I go nothing is superficially accepted to me I want to know about life and who the fuck I am. So in saying that art and writing has a way of bringing out every hidden part of yourself to be seen and heard. There is something in being an artist and selling your work it brings up every deep self worth and belief issue you own and didn’t know you owned. 

Fuck almighty I’ve had my fair share of realisations and moments sobbing on the kitchen floor with a bottle of wine but nothing like the journey art has taken me on nothing! 

My moments on the kitchen floor can take up to three weeks now over asking myself, ‘Am I ready to sell my paintings?’ I just want to let you know I’m not out of that moment yet I think I could easily bump up to a bottle of rum along with really bad self talk like, ‘I only deserve to sleep on the kitchen floor because look at how pathetic you’re being’ 😂😂😂 yes I’m taking the piss but you get my drift. You feel it all. Nothing escapes you being an artist and a writer, nothing at all.

Art helps you to live and discover yourself and life with greater meaning and awareness how anyone can think it’s not a ‘real’ occupation hasn’t experienced it with their soul and though I probaly will sleep on the kitchen floor with my rum bottle tonight (yes I’m kidding) I wouldn’t swap it for the world. 

The world needs more art pure and simple and really that was the point to my whole post 😄😉

Now that I’ve said all of that go visit my art website you awesome people😄 gaiaartsbyastara.com